Reminiscences
by JenesisDark
Summary: Remus Lupin thinks about the past, present, and future. Set before Pheonix, Updated March 23, 2003


Reminiscences

By Amy Humphries

(Set immediately after The Goblet of Fire)

**Author's note:** We'll pretend word gets around fast concerning Voldmort and that Remus already knows that Voldemort has been revived before he gets the letter from Sirius. As for the Durrow Sparrows… after hanging around someone who (probably) adored Quidditch as much as James Potter did, how could Remus not get a knack for it? 

            I figure Remus has a background in something as a Auror because he, of course, landed a DADA position. 

            Doxy and occamy definitions can be found in: Fantastic beasts and where to find them…I like to think Remus also has Irish roots for some odd reason… and… and… his childhood flashback is probably horribly written, but it's 1am, gimme a break.

            Copyrights: All characters who are not copyrighted by J.K Rowling is copyrighted by myself with the exception of Peggy who would be quite upset if she found out she was copyrighted and wasn't getting any money for it.

            Remus Lupin, ex-Auror, ex-Chaser for the minor league Durrow Sparrows, ex-Professor in the Defense Against the Dark Arts class at Hogwarts school of Wizardry, and a full time were-wolf. He had amazing emerald green eyes, due to his Irish background, that seemed to reflect on his emotions easily. His brown hair was prematurely flecked with silver strands, partly due to the stress he had to endure in his life and other part was due to his other nature. As were the slightly pointed ears and barely longer-then-most canines he possessed. The only benefit his other form gave was a higher then average sense of smell, sight, and a sense of when people were coming close to him. He was all of thirty-one years and felt like he was going on seventy.

            It was a rainy day in June and he was doing a job of in-home exterminations of things like boggarts and other nuisances in wizard homes, and a couple of muggle ones. The last one was a wizard holding an illegal occamy, the serpent almost beat him with one of its wings while tripping him by grabbing his leg with its tail. It had been difficult but, with a strong petrificus totalius charm, he managed to capture the thing and give it a good kick. Returning with the occamy he received enough of a bonus to cover the rent and get some new bedding to replace the one full of holes in his apartment. His garments would have to wait though.

            He was drenched from the rain and instantly started a roaring fire and did a drying spell on his garments. It wasn't enough to keep the damp from his bones though. He sat near the fire, entranced by it's flames and went back to a better time in his life…

            "_Really Sirius." James said, pushing his glasses once more back onto the bridge of his nose._

_            "I'm telling you, Hannah wants me." Sirius grinned and tugged up the collar of his leather robes he conned his parents into buying him._

_            Remus snickered but kept quiet. He knew where this was heading and didn't want to be a part of it._

_            "What's so funny?" Sirius asked in feigned shock. "My friends don't even believe me…"_

_            "She pointed at you and giggled, I hardly call that the makings of true romance." Remus replied, plucking out another infernal gray hair, they were getting harder and harder to hide._

_            "Moony has a point," James replied, "I mean, she could have been laughing at the fact you had your robe tucked into your pants-"_

_            "Nonsense," Sirius waved away the rebuttal, "I'm going to her room tonight."_

_            "She's a Hufflepuff, Padfoot," James looked out towards the other who were enjoying the open air, "You'll never find her dorm."_

_            "Remember Ravenclaw?" Remus reminded James._

_            James sighed, "Well she was a ninny. Of course she would lead us to Ravenclaws tower, she said so herself she was hoping for something out of Romeo and Juliet."_

_            "Well, the skull didn't help." Remus snickered, taking a bite from his roast beef sandwich._

_            "Wrong play." Sirius said, "Anyway, she was a ninny. She's off with what's-his-name…"_

_            "Conroy." James said between bites of his own sandwich._

_            "Oh, right. Anyway Hannah is different-"_

            James looked to Remus, "Yvonne was a blonde, Trisha was black, Peggy was a brunette, and the last was red-"

_            Remus grinned, "Hannah is a platinum blonde."_

_            James looked like he had found the answer to the world's oldest question, "That's it, he's dating by hair color. He'll finally settle down with a blue."_

_            Remus snickered._

_            Sirius looked abashed and recovered quickly with a, "Not by hair color, by-"_

_            Peter took this moment to launch into the discussion as he sat down with a, "Yvonne was flat, Trisha was a bit larger, and Peggy was—""_

_            "Shut-up Petey." Sirius mumbled._

_            Peter looked at the grins from James and Remus and decided to laugh instead of wonder if he made some grievous error._

_            "That's it!" Sirius shouted, "I'll find out where the Hufflepuff house is and woo her with-"_

_            "I'm sorry Padfoot," James grinned, "I doubt Hannah is into whips and chains."_

_            "Peggy was."_

_            "She was different."_

_            "I wish you would have hung onto her."_

_            "Oh well."_

_            Sirius looked like he was in deep thought until he admonished, "Your cloak James!"_

_            James leapt up and flattened Sirius to the ground and looked around to see if anyone had heard him, "Damn you Sirius, if everyone knew-"_

_            Sirius ignored him and went on, "I can sneak into her room and woo her, and I bet that's at least worth a dance at the Yule Festival-"_

_            James got off of Sirius and rubbed his eyes, "Sirius, you love sick dog."_

_            "At least I'm not acting like a monk." Sirius said indignantly._

_            "Some of us don't have a choice." Remus said behind a smile. His friend's antics never ceased to amaze him._

_            "Yeah, Petey's ugly."_

_            "Sirius!"_

_            "And besides Remus, your more of a dog then I ever was." Sirius grinned and snatched Remus' sandwich off the table and stuffed it in his mouth._

_            Remus grinned and proceeded to get up and pound on Sirius. James couldn't help but laugh and soon after had joined in the fray only to be reminded by Peter that class was in five minutes._

            "_Okay, well, how are we supposed to find out where she sleeps?" James said, getting out his cloak._

_            Sirius held his chin in thought._

_            It was at that moment Lily Evans peeped her head in and replied, "Hannah McDonnell?"_

_            James threw his cape under his bed and looked perfectly calm, "Lily."_

_            "Pleasure." She replied. "You do know what she's saying about you, Sirius?"_

_            "That I'm utterly-"_

_            "-Incompetent." Lily finished, looking a bit remorseful at the dropping of Sirius' jaw, "She's telling everyone she's going to find out how you get in and out of Hogsmeade so much and expose you all so she can become Head-Girl."_

_            Sirius looked furious and proceeded to beat up James's pillow and utter things like, "Ninny" "Harlot" and the like._

_            James looked at Lily and grinned, "Well, thanks for not making us look like fools."_

_            "Of course." She paused for a moment and smiled at James before she began to walk off._

_            "Hey, Lil?" James called._

_            Lily turned around and walked back. She kneeled next to the bed and looked up at James, "Hm? Unless you have the answers for my Arithmancy homework I can't hang around as long as I'd like."_

_            "Wanna go to the Yule Festival with me?"_

_            Remus smiled, he knew James had been trying to get the courage up for weeks and he acted like it was the calmest thing in the world._

_            "Sure." Lily replied in the same, 'whatever' attitude._

_            James smiled slightly and looked to Remus. Remus smiled even broader and James took that as a positive. As Lily stood up James planted a soft kiss on her cheek, "Then it's a date."_

_            Blushing until she was the color of her red hair Lily smiled, "It's a date."_

_            As she walked away Remus called out to her, "Can you fix me up with someone?"_

_            The silence that followed made Remus and James laugh._

_            "Your too good for all those shallow girls anyway, Moony."_

_            "At least you caught one." Remus smiled._

_            James proceeded to ruffle Remus's hair as Sirius whined, "Well now what am I supposed to do?!"_

            Those days were gone now. Of the innocence, of the comradely affections that were there. There were times when he missed spending the night at Lily and James' house because he had been kicked out of his apartment (again) and they would spend the nights talking. Talking about the old times and the new ones. Lily quickly became the only friend he had of the opposite gender, he told her once that she gave him hope that there was someone out there who could look past his curse. She hugged him and when she pulled back there were tears in her eyes, "That was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me."

            When Harry was born it was one of the happiest times in his life. Sirius was named the Godfather (much to Remus's relief, if he bit the boy…) and Remus was deemed the boy's "uncle" since James had no siblings and Lily and her sister Petunia were not as close as Lily would have liked. 

            It had been twelve years since he last saw his "nephew" Harry James. He was too poor to join the teacher's hired coaches to take them back to Hogwarts and joined with the students. After the tiring trip of walking around London with his heavy luggage he fell into a deep sleep before he even sat down.

            He woke up only by the scent of panic from the children of the train and his ears agreed with his nose:

            "Who's that?"

            "Who's _that_?"

            "Ginny?"

            "Hermione?"

            "What are you doing?"

            "I was looking for Ron—"

            "Come in and sit down—"

            "Not here, _I'm_ here!"

            "Ouch!"

            He couldn't take it anymore, his mouth stiff from sleeping so soundly he barked out a "Quiet!" that surprised even himself. He took out his wand and lit the area, the fear was almost contagious but he had faced worse, so he bit it back and with the same startling voice added a "Stay where you are."

            He went to open the door to see if the rest of the car was in as much disarray as his compartment was. The door slid open before he could reach it and he was face to face with a hooded dementor. "_Damn things_," he remembered thinking.

            It rushed quickly upon one of them, and the girl screamed. The redheaded one began to lightly slap his face and the boy stirred.

            He felt like someone had slapped _his_ face. Behind his cool exterior, Remus Lupin stared with unblinking eyes at the child. He looked so much like James… and yet, when he looked into his pure green eyes he could hear Lily's comforting laughter.

            They began talking before Remus could come to his senses, _Chocolate, the boy needs chocolate. Not some bloody stranger staring at him._ His thoughts became actions as he gave the largest piece of a chocolate bar he had to the boy.

            "Here, eat it. It'll help."

            The boy looked terrified, and he couldn't blame him. "What was that thing?"

            "A dementor." Looking around at the other terrified children he wondered if maybe the dementor hadn't strayed to them and passed the rest around, "One of the dementor's of Azkaban." With no trashcan around, he put the wrapper in his pocket.

            He saw the chocolate begin to melt in Harry's hand and smiled inwardly, "Eat, It'll help." _What the Hell are dementor's doing on this train for Heaven's sake? With all these children who can't even defend themselves against a Doxy?_ "I need to speak to the driver, excuse me."

            Walking past Harry he felt a warmth in him he never thought he could feel again. _James and Lily live on, and they live inside Harry._

            With Sirius as a betrayer and James and Peter dead, he didn't feel quite so alone anymore.

            _Peter? What the hell is Peter doing? He's dead_- No, he's not dead. Our map never lied. But why would he fake his own death? Why is Sirius taking Harry, Hermione, and Ron? Why not just Harry?

            Oh God, _Harry_…!

            He ran as fast as he could to the old entrance to the Shrieking Shack.

            "We're up here!' came a muffled yell, Hermione. "We're up here—Sirius Black—Quick!"

            _Harry… Whoever is listening to my pleas, make Harry be all right…_

            He burst through the door and quickly assessed the situation. No, this was not right. "Expellarimus!"

            He caught the wands and shoved them in his pocket. Looking at Sirius he knew that the childhood friend was gone, but maybe there was still the trust… "Where is he, Sirius?" How could Peter have lived?

            His face. He couldn't trust himself to speak, but his face read so much as he pointed to Ron. Ron?

            "But then… why hasn't he shown himself before now?" he asked himself for the hundredth time that hour, until it dawned on him, "Unless… Unless he was the one… unless you switched… without telling me?"

            That little bit of a nod and he could have fallen to the floor in shock. He was never alone, and he had been too blind to see that one of his dearest friends had been rotting in Azkaban for no good reason. He reached out his arm and helped him up, wanting to let out apology after apology.

            Now was not the place or time.

            "I DON'T BELIVE IT!"

            Oh God no, not now… he let go of Sirius and again, begged whoever was listening to his silent pleas…

            She was pointing at him, knowingly, fearfully. "You—you—"

            "Hermione—"

            "—you and him!"

            "Hermione, calm down—" please, let me explain… not like this, please.

            "I didn't tell anyone! I've been covering up for you!"

            His temper left him and he did the worst thing he could do in such a situation, he shouted: "Hermione, listen to me, please! I can explain—"

            "I trusted you and all the time you've been his friend!"

            Harry, no, please don't look at me like that with Lily's eyes and James's face, "You're wrong," the accusations made him back-up mentally into a stone wall, "I haven't been Sirius's friend, but I am now—Let me explain…"

            "NO! Harry don't trust him, he's been helping Black into the castle, he wants you dead too—_he's a werewolf!_"

            He felt like he had been slapped in the face with such a comment. Calmly, not trusting himself, he spoke: "Not at all up to your usual standard, Hermione. Only one out of thee, I'm afraid. I have not been helping Sirius get into the castle and I certainly don't want Harry dead…" _Face it, say it._ He felt cold as the words that should be so familiar tumbled out of his mouth, "But I won't deny that I am a werewolf."

            Ron struggled to get up and Lupin immediately went to help him, "_Get away from me, werewolf!_"

            He froze and the stinging words. He thought he never felt worse in his life then when one of his more likable students spoke like that to him, and here another in the same minute condemns him. He tried to move, and ever so slowly he turned the girl, "How long have you known?" How long did you think of me like scum? Like what Ron thinks of me now? Like Harry undoubtedly will.

            "Ages," she whispered in fear, "Since I did Professor Snape's essay."

            _Evil git_, "He'll be delighted. He assigned that essay hoping someone would realize what my symptoms meant… Did you check the lunar chart and realize that I was always ill at the full moon? Or did you realize that the boggart changed into the moon when it saw me?" as unavoidable as that became…

            "Both."

            He laughed, in spite of himself he laughed at the idea that he could have pulled this off without someone like Hermione Granger finding out. "You're the cleverest witch of your age I've ever met, Hermione."

            It was amazing, how Peter faked his death. Sheer brilliance. Remus usually prided himself at unraveling mysteries and here Peter didn't even register a blip on my radar. Maybe if Remus had seen Wormtail in his class he would have registered the marks that Peter had in his fur. Subtle, but his werewolf eyes were too sharp not to have them memorized.

            It was Snape that really surprised Remus. Well, not really that evil git, but Harry. Harry standing up to Snape and defending him. Defending him after he learned who he truly was. Yes, James and Lily did live on in their son.

            Peter though, after his misgivings about Sirius he was hesitant to sign another death warrant without knowing all the facts. And after he did he felt no qualms when the pen was in his hand. Especially when Sirius asked for his forgiveness. He couldn't blame James and Sirius, after hearing all the werewolf propaganda only so much can't sink in. But he had to know if Sirius forgave him for the after effects of Sirius's own mistrust. When he should have let justice handle such a thing the idea that one of them could betray any of the others clung onto him. Remus believed that Sirius had murdered his best friend: James.

            And Remus was forgiven for such a crime against brotherhood. Forgiven and renewed with the promise of acceptance by Sirius.

            But he would never forgive himself for acting in such haste that he forgot two of the most vital things in his mind: That it was a full moon, and that he hadn't had the potion that kept him from being a true monster.

            If it wasn't for Sirius they all would have been dead. And if not for his mistake Cedric Diggory would still be alive and Voldemort would be the helpless creature he had been for fourteen years. No one would have a look of fear in their eyes when they saw a stranger. Children could play in the streets again. And maybe he could feel like he did all those years ago. Befriended and happy in the knowledge that if one old friend can forgive past transgressions, and three children aged before their time can look past prejudice, that maybe there was some hope in the world.

            But as it stands now, he felt the weight of Atlas on his shoulders. A weight that is burying him alive under it. For he was the only person in the world who could say; 'If it wasn't for my one small mistake, a great evil wouldn't have been let loose.'.

            It was at that moment a tawny little owl pecked irritably at the window. Remus shook himself out of his memories and shame to stand and let the little thing inside. The bird flew to the back of the chair Remus had previously occupied and ruffled it's feather, making the fire give off an angry hiss. Remus saw the parchment attached to its leg and hoped the rain hadn't gotten to it. Unwinding it he saw it was in perfect condition and read the contents:

            "Stay where you are, important."

            It was unsigned, it didn't have to be. He knew the handwriting from the numerous letters Sirius had sent in regards of Harry. (Who had thought of aiming for the dragon's eyes and practicing things like stunning and disarming? Sirius was enough of a wreck over Harry and Voldemort to even think about the other things Harry had to deal with)

            What was going on?


End file.
